Letters to Heaven
by mjimenez428
Summary: Bella Looses her mom and in order to heal she writes letters to her mom and sends them to heaven in a balloon and never really expects them to be read. Edward finds them and is probably the one person that can understand Bella's pain. Please R & R
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing but the computer I wrote this on…SM is the one that owns all the good stuff…**

March 20, 2002

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much that it hurts; breathing hurts I don't even think I have any more tears left to shed. I never really thought you would leave, I prayed every night that I would wake up from this horrible nightmare we call life. I prayed that the chemo would heal you that our faith would be enough to save you, I wanted to trade places with you; I couldn't stand to watch you loose your mind to barley remember what was going on around you. I didn't want to let you go, but you were crying and begging dad and I to let you go; dad promised you that he would take care of me and J that was all that you needed to let go; I watched the life leave your body & a part of me died that moment too…

I miss you, I need you and I want you back, I don't know how to heal from this I don't know if I can. No one will ever understand the pain that I am going through, you always told me to express myself writing is the only outlet I have. I am placing this letter in a balloon and sending it up to you in heaven; I'm hoping that this will help bring me closer to you in some weird way. I know its crazy but I need this I need to keep you close.

I love you,

Your Bella

**A/N**

**Not really sure how this is going to go, it is going to be a lot of short letters like this from Bella to her mom…Edward will be in this story…please just read a few chapters to see if you like it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**SM owns it all**

~~~~~~~~~~ LtH~~~~~~~~~~

March 25, 2002

Dear Mom,

I cant breath….we said goodbye to you today and I wanted to crawl in the box with you. Dad is a wreak and J hates the world…he hates us because we let you go…he thinks that if dad had told you no that you would have kept fighting. I wish that was the case, I wish that we could have kept you longer but you were done it was time. You were in so much pain and I could see that far away look in your eyes. Dad is now looking for a motor home with a generator; I think it's his way of trying to make up not taking you to California before you died. He keeps saying that he should have just bought one and taken you to see the sun, let your feet hang in the sand and watch the waves like he promised. He feels so guilty that he let you down, I have never seen him cry; I still haven't but I hear him every night he cries out for you and it breaks me all over again. How can I keep my promise to you when I can't even figure out how to live without you? It hurts so much mom…I wonder if it will ever get better, will I ever fill alive again? Will we survive this? People always say that a parent should never have to bury their child, but mom I wish it would have been me. At least then dad & J would still have you; you are the glue that holds us together and now I don't know what to do. I want one more day one more minute with you the you before you got sick…the you that tucked me in each night and bought two copies of books so that we could read together and compare notes. I want my best friend back.

Always,

Bella


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thank you to all of you who put this on alert it means so very much! I hope you enjoy. A very special thank you goes out to my first reviewer ihartrpattz…thank you is not even enough!

SM owns everything…I just wish it was mine…

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~~~~LtH~~~~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~

April 1, 2002

Dear Mom,

Today is April fools day, was it to much to wake up thinking that someone was going to jump up and tell me that the five months were just a joke a really bad one at that? It wasn't fun like every other year where we come home with tons of stuff telling daddy that we cleaned out his bank account, but really only have our sheets and blankets in bags we saved. Remember that time when we called daddy and told him that we bought him the new car he wanted? That was so funny I remember him coming home from the station and seeing the look on his face when he seen the hot red Prowler that he had been eye fucking for months. I'm still not sure how you talked Mr. Cope into letting you take it off the lot for that amount of time or how you convinced dad to not kill you when you told him April Fools! I do remember his face and I remember how happy he looked to just be able to drive it back to the car lot. A dream that he would never have, but a memory of something you gave to him. He was happy then, not any more he seems older and always has glazed over eyes with unshed tears. He misses you…we all do.

Mike called this morning and told me that it was over & then hung up; I figured it was just an April Fools joke and his reception gave out (you know with all these damn trees everywhere). I went to his house later to see what he was up to and well he was up that's for sure, he was up on Jessica and well lets just say that he was buried in her…he said it was my fault since I never wanted to give it up. He thought that when you died I would run to him to find comfort and finally give in to him, boy was he wrong. He had the nerve to tell me that I should be over your death by now, that its old news and time to move on. He even had the audacity to tell me that he would forgive me and take me back if I gave it up to him. Needless to say his voice now sounds like a girl and I doubt he will have children, one can only hope.

You always said that he wasn't the one for me, I now wonder if you were serious when you tried to hook me up with your male nurse Seth. He was a hottie but dumb me thought Mike was my forever, but when the storm broke he fled. You always knew how to read people, I miss you so much mom.

A part of me wonders if you see us; if you can see the pain that we feel and are shedding your own tears along side us. Then I remember our conversations and promises that you made, you said that if you could send me a sign you would just to let me know that you were ok. I guess we should have put a time frame on that; I'm worried for you we only have to feel your loss you have to feel the loss of all of us. I am not sure which is worse.

I tried calling Uncle Sam like you asked me to, but he didn't answer and I didn't feel that I should leave the news of your death on his voicemail. Ill keep trying though because it was what you wanted.

I miss you mom…please find a way to let me know your ok. I love you so much!

Always

Your Bella

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~~~LtH~~~~0~~0~~0~~

Thank you so much! Ill offer up a teaser for reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own it….

~~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~

I have no idea what I'm doing here, I asked for a sign and this is what I got a job as a Forest Ranger in bum Fuck Forks. Really I'm not even kidding Forks as in use your damn knife and fork, who the hell comes up with these names? Now don't get me wrong, I love my job being in nature is the one thing that keeps me grounded...its the one thing that keeps me from thinking about her. My baby sister; well not exactly a baby but a baby to me…she'll always be my baby sister, my Maya. She died of cancer a few months back and I have never been able to forgive myself for not being there that final day. She sent me away told me to go to work that she would be fine, I figured that everything would be ok she seemed like she was doing so much better. No that's a lie I have to stop telling myself, after all part of moving here is to heal well that is what everyone keeps telling me. I knew in the pit of my stomach that she was going to die that day, the look in her eyes told me that she was done fighting that it hurt to much and it was time to let go; the only way for her to do that was to make me leave. She always put me above her and she knew that I would beg her to stay to fight harder and she would have done it for me. I was a selfish SOB and should have let her go sooner, I know she wanted to as weird as that sounds. People use to tell me that you know when its your time to go if your sick, I thought they were just full of it but Maya showed me it was true.

So now I'm here in forks living with my Uncle Carlise and Aunt Esme, its just temporary my parents felt that I needed a fresh start time away to regroup and get my life back on track. My uncle got a job offer here and I was invited along for the move. Which leads me to the here and now walking through the forest of Forks cleaning up the trash that the campers have left behind trying to keep this place clean. Balloons…don't people understand that small animals can get it caught in their throats, but this balloon seemed different it had paper attached to the string. I grabbed it to toss it when I saw that the paper seemed to be addressed to " Mom" with an address of "Heaven". I'm not normally someone to look at other peoples stuff but hey I am curious so what the hell right?

_April 18, 2002_

_Dear Mom,_

_Today makes one month since we lost you, I still wake up in the middle of the night crying out begging you to please stay. I can still her J crying out for his mommy even at fourteen he still cries for you, we all still cry for you. I heard Rock Steady on the radio today and broke down crying remembering how funny you looked trying to teach me how to dance. I still can't dance but that memory will forever be ingrained in my heart._

_I'm so broken and I don't know how to heal myself, I feel alone in this world will I ever find me again? Will I ever be the girl that you raised again? Will my heart ever feel whole again?_

_I miss you mom…God how I miss you, I wish dad didn't tell you it was ok…I wish I would have made them save you. I hate myself for just watching the life leave your body as I did nothing but sit there and cry, you raised me to be stronger then that…but in that moment I was just a little girl loosing her mommy not the nineteen year old I am._

_Please send me a sign that it will all be ok._

_Love,_

_Your Bella_

I read the letter over and over again, it felt like this Bella could read my mind, and I understood her pain. Albeit her's is for her mother and mine is for my sister but it's still there the emptiness. It looks like she found a way to try and heal and maybe that's what this letter is to her a way of healing. I guess I cant be mad about the balloon any more hu? After all it's just this one and if it helped her a little who am I to begrudge her that, we all deserve a chance to heal.

I took Bella's letter home with me, it didn't seem right to just toss it, plus something about it just made me feel like I wasn't the only one in the world hurting.

A/N:

Thank you the reviewers! Hope you enjoyed this one let me know what you think.


	5. Chapter 5

I would like to thank those that are reading this regardless if you are reviewing it.

I don't own it…all I own is a four month old that FINALLY sleeps through the night!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Ring…ring…ring…Hello yes he is may I tell him who is calling? Of course please hold…daddy it's for you its moms surgeon. _

_I couldn't hear the doctors end of the conversation I just heard dad's side of the conversation. _

" _Are you sure? How could they not have caught this during all the other test? You said it was just a fuck ulcer! How long does she have? Yea ok bye"_

_Next thing I know dad was on his knees on the floor crying out to the heavens, I didn't understand what was going on but it didn't stop the tears from coming. I asked him what was wrong he couldn't even look at me all he said was that "They found cancer and that she only has two weeks to live" That was it no more came out of his mouth he stood up and walked away from me. _

I woke up in a cold sweat it had been weeks since I had that dream; just thinking about it brings me to tears. Not only did we find out that my mom was dying, that was the last I saw of the father that raised me. My dad has always been a strong man, never one to show weakness or fear but those are the things that he shows now. I hear him cry each night and beg to be taken to join my mom, he isn't the dad I remember him to be. So when I got home from sending mom my latest letter yesterday, it didn't surprise me to find a note on the table letting me know that he left to visit his sister for a few a week or two and to look after Jacob. Yes Jacob he no longer wants to be called J as he informed us of last week, J is the name that mom used for him and no one else is allowed to call him that. What can I say he is fourteen years old, I would assume that explains it all. I felt so alone none of my friends knew what I was going through, it felt like no one knew. I am eighteen years old being thrown into a life of someone much older and wiser, I wear many hats and have many costumes for each hat but none are me. To be honest I'm not even sure who me is any more. Looking at the little red lights on my alarm clock I could see that it was just after 3:30 in the morning, well no time like the present so I took out a pen and paper and started to write my mom.

~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~

_April 25, 2002_

_Dear Mom, _

_Dad left yesterday to go see Aunt Katie; he couldn't even give me a date that he would be back. He isn't daddy anymore, its like he is just a shell of who he use to be he keeps saying that it should have been him. He tells me over and over that he is older; that he expected to go first and that you guys had a plan. Nowhere in that plan were you supposed to go first, sometimes I think he is mad at you for going and then I realize that he is just mad at the situation. Jacob formally know as J is having a hard time; he won't even talk to me, instead he keeps saying that I'm lucky because I was here with you. Doesn't he understand that I watched you die! Eighteen years of amazing memories and the only ones I can remember are from that day. The moment daddy left to take J to school, you looked at me with this look in your eye that said it all...today was the day. I watched as the life left your body and your hand went limp and you finally looked like you found peace. I watched you die and did nothing…those are the memories that I am going to have to live with not him. I miss you so much i'm scared and don't know what to do…. everybody wants something and I am stuck. Please mom if you're seeing theses or by some miracle get them I wish you would respond I wish any one would. _

_I love you, _

_Bella_

_~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~_

AN: Super sorry for the long wait I hope to update sooner next time.

So I know that as a fan fiction fan I am always looking for something new to read, so I thought I would give some ideas of things that keep me from updating. Even of you don't review my stories take a chance reading some of these. If you have any to rec please let me know!

Go check out: iheartrpattz story called its complicated: .net/s/6965767/1/Its_Complicated

It is great story about how one person can manipulate those you love the most into thinking you are what your not. I am waiting for an update now so go check it out!


	6. Chapter 6

AN at the bottom

I own nothing

~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~

August 1, 2002

_Dear Mom,_

_It seems like forever since I last wrote you; so much has happened that to be honest I have no idea where to start. Well lets see dad went MIA for a month yes a month! He stayed with Aunt Kayti for the whole month he only called me once a week to see how Jacob was doing. He finally came home, I was hoping that the time away would help him to heal but it seems that he is more broken to begin with. I don't know what to do to help him, he doesn't want any help everything day in and day out is just silence. Although today was one of his "Dark Days" as you always rightfully named them, he was in so much pain from his back to the arthritis that he couldn't see straight. Since your not here anymore I took the brunt of it all, this time the only outlet I have is to write you, no more shopping trips with late night veranda tosses. I remember those days like they were yesterday, we would shop all day come home with tons of bags hidden in the truck and wait for dad to go to sleep and then Jacob would toss them up to me on the veranda and you would run them to our rooms. Those are the memories that I wish I could keep at the front of my mind not the ones of you sick in bed dying. _

_Jacob is doing ok, he is kind of in a hard spot I he feels the same way that I do; it feels like we lost both of our parents and neither of us knows how to cope. I looked into getting him help and well he refused to talk two months of sessions once a week and the most he told the therapist was to fuck off. A comment like that would have had dad in an uproar instead he just shrugged it off and told Jacob that he didn't have to go back. _

_Jacob starts high school next month and I am so proud of him, he can't stand me and still tells me on a regular basis that he hates me. I really hope that he doesn't, because I love him and need someone to keep your memory alive. I hope he does well and opens back up again. He had so much potential and I hate to see him the way he is, it feels like the floor turns into eggshells the second he walks in the room and no one can say anything to him. _

_I have cut everyone out of my life and focused on dad and Jacob; part of me feels that I am doing right by them and then the rest of me screams for just a little alone time. I wish that I could talk to you; you would know exactly what to do. I have taken upon myself to start emptying some of your stuff out from around the house. Nothing major, just your toothbrush and some of your clothes and other little things. Dad wasn't too happy about this, but I told him that I needed to do it to help me move on, he stopped fighting me. I told him that because I am hoping that it will help them move on too I read in a book that by starting off little it could make a world of difference. _

_Well I am off now to start clearing out your makeup cabinet, I love you mom talk to you soon._

_Always your, _

_Bella_

I walked to the meadow clearing a little beyond our property line and tied the letter to a red balloon just like every other time. This time I was hoping that you would answer me, more then the rest I was lost and needed a sign, something to show me that I wasn't a complete failure. I kissed the balloon and sent it to you, hoping for an answer to my many letters I keep sending.

~~~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~

I finally made it into your closet and was getting ready to toss out some of your older clothes when I reached up to grab a shirt from the top shelf a bunch of papers came crashing down on my head. When I reached down to grab them I noticed that they were a group of envelopes held together by a rubber band; the next things I noticed was my moms writing and mine, Jacob and dads name written on it. I stood there frozen not knowing what to do; I bent down to grab the stack and went to show dad what I had found. Dad was sitting on his recliner drinking a beer and watching the game; I tried to see if he was in an ok mood but now at days I could never really tell. "Daddy" I said he didn't look at me but I got a "hu" from him so I guess that meant I could talk. " I was cleaning some of moms older clothes off of the shelves" I stopped to see if he was going to say anything but he just gave me a look, so I just continued. " While I was pulling down a shirt this fell down" I tried to hand him the envelopes but he wouldn't take them, he looked at them before talking. " I knew she wrote you and your brother each a letter, I just had no idea where they were. I wasn't even sure that she finished them. I'm glad you found them, at least she thought of you guys." I just sat there looking at my dad like a second head had just grown; if he knew that there was even a chance that these letters were here he should have said something! I would have looked sooner; it may have been able to help Jacob sooner. I couldn't understand why he sounded so bitter though, and then I thought about his words " at least she thought of you guys" did he say that thinking that she had forgotten him? "Daddy, the first envelope is addressed to all of us and it looks like there is one in here with just your name on it" I had to tell him just so that he would know she hadn't only thought of Jacob and I. For the first time in months the look on his face resembled hope, happiness and for just the briefest of moments I saw my dad return. He didn't say anything just put his hand out open palmed and I handed over the final piece of my mother. Dad shifted them from hand to hand and traced over my mothers writing finally after what felt like both hours and seconds he simply said "go get Jacob" as I stood up and was headed for the stairs I heard two things; one my dads words of thanks and then the strangled cry that sounded like it was both his first and last breath. I didn't need to know that the thanks wasn't meant for me, it was him thanking my mom for thinking of him and I had a feeling that these letters would help us with the healing.

_Knock…knock…knock…_

_I like seein you_

_Can't help but think nasty thoughts about me and you_

_All them nasty things we can do_

_Let me bring out the freak in you_

_There's somethin I see in you_

_I definitely see me in you_

_Doin what nasty people do_

_Can you blame me? Look at the ass on you_

_How the fuck can I pass on you?_

" Jacob! Turn it down!" I yelled "We need to talk, meet dad and I downstairs now, please" I sure hope he heard me. Heaven knows what he is doing listening to Lil' Rob, I can only imagine the things he is doing, gross never mind I don't even want to think about it.

~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~

" Jacob, Bella found something in your moms closet that we need to see as a family is that something that you think you can handle?" the way that dad spoke to Jacob was like his old self, I kept hoping that this was the turning point that we needed that the letters would take us one step closer to moving on. Jacob didn't even look like he could answer. He just seemed to sit there and nod he said nothing but dad continued " It looks like mom wrote several different letters to the two of you, and one to the three of us. Bells will read the letter addressed to all three of us out loud everyone ok with that?" again just nods no words, I don't think we could speak and now I had to read this letter.

I took the letter from my dads hands slid my finger under the seal and opened the letter. As I began to unfold the letter I noticed that my vision was blurry and I couldn't figure out why, it took a few seconds for me to realize that I was crying. I looked to dad for some type of support, but he was already up pacing around the room and Jacob just had this blank stare in his eyes; yes it was up to me I had to do this I had to put my strong hat and be the rock my mom use to be. I finished unfolding the letter and saw her writing her neat cursive writing, only this time it wasn't so neat it looked shaky and unsteady. I opened my mouth and began to read:

_March 17 2002_

_My Dearest Family,_

~~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~

**AN:** Yes I left it there! Why because I want you to come back ** laughs**I would like to take a moment to thank iheartrpattz for the rec in her story as well as her agreeing to be my pre-reader. She didn't pre-read this one; to be honest I want her to review it! Since she is the only one that I have reviewing. But the next chapter she will be proof reading. I am looking for a beta if anyone is interested please PM me!

Something to read:

Words with Friends and Words with Strangers both by the lovely **Nolebucgrl**

She updates on Fridays for WWF and this week is a treat as we are getting a chapter a day of WWS…take a chance and read them.

Song is by Lil Rob "bring out the freak in me" .com/bring_out_the_freak_in_you_lyrics_lil_

All about Lil Rob: .com/music/Lil+Rob

Leave a review and you may get a little something sent to you

Thanks See You Soon!


	7. Chapter 7

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to iheartrpattz who is the amazing & talented pre-reader of this fic :-) I hope your head isn't pounding and you have clear vision.

I own nothing SM owns it all

~~~~~~LTH~~~~

_March 17, 2002_

_My Dearest Family,_

_If you're reading this I must be dead. I hope that you got drunk off of mango margaritas' like I requested and I hope they were delicious. Ok well I am honestly not sure how long I have been gone when you finally found these; I pray that it hasn't been that long I placed these somewhere I thought that you guys would find them. _

_I woke up this morning feeling better then I have in months, it felt like I could breath again, I felt alive again and that was when I knew that the end was near. I have written several letters to you each over the past few months on days that I am up to it and days when the nurse sits with me so that you guys can leave, well you never did leave did you Charlie? You just sat outside and prayed, I heard your prayers my love but they were not meant to be answered; it is my time to go not yours. Please don't be angry because you did EVERYTHING you could to make this better. I love all three of you with everything thing that I am; I have lived for you all the past few months and now it is time to leave you. I am so sorry that I have to, I am sorry that it is going to hurt & most of all I am sorry to leave you with out me. _

_Please know that I will find a way to watch out for you, you always were my life and you always will be. _

_Read the letters with your name followed by the number one, that letter will explain when to open the others. _

_I'll seen you in our dreams_

_Mommy_

~0.o~0.o~

**EPOV**

It has been months and I keep finding these letters scattered through out the forest, the dates are everywhere and the words mean everything to me. It is like this Bella knows me knows my inner most feeling like she knows me. I am going crazy wondering who she is I looked on line and even went as far as going through the white pages trying to find a Bella. Do you have any idea how many Bella's there are in a phone book? Well I do a fuck load and with no last name to go off of I was at a loss. It was just her damn words that kept me drawn in; I want to know her help her well damn I'm being fucken selfish because I want her to help me. Reading her letters from beginning to end seems as though she is getting better and then the letter that I found today ripped out my heart it was dated a month ago and felt like she was saying good bye but not in so many words, she said she is going to follow honor her moms request and get help whatever that means. Fuck I wish I knew how to find her, I read her letter again for the hundredth fucken time today.

_August 13, 2002_

_How dare you tell me that this isn't my fault! How could you say everything that you said and expect it to be ok! You are not here it is never going to be ok! You wrote us all of these letters for graduation's, wedding's, first child you even wrote a letter for your grandchildren! How could you put us through that again! Reading that letter felt like letting you die all over again! You wanted us to have something well then you should have fought harder! You say you loved us but you left! Your letter makes it look like you had a choice and you chose death! I am so mad at you! A part of me even hates you for making me love you more then I thought I could. _

_I will get help like you told me to, I will find a way to heal myself from the inside out in hopes that you will be proud of me, but you need to keep your promise to me! To us! You have to see us in our dreams! We need you more then you could ever imagine. _

_Dad is finally coming around your letter helped him to come out of the fog a little & Jacob well I have no idea what he is going to do. In fact it seems that he has gotten worse acting out more and he just hates everyone. I have no idea what you said to him but it hurt him. _

_I love you mom and for now ill get the help I need and then hopefully I'll be seeing you._

_Te amo~Bella_

~0.o~

Today was one of those rare occasions when Uncle Carlise was going to be home for dinner. He was so busy with his practice that this was a rare treat and Esme was going all out. We were sitting down to an array of foods it looked like Esme had cooked for an army, but hell I was not about to complain it was delisious. Esme started to talk to Carlise " How was your day sweetheart?" " Busy as ever although today was very interesting. I had a new patient start with me today at the request of her mother." Carlise told Esme I just kind of shrugged it off and continued to eat. " Well Carlise that isn't so interesting why would you think it to be?" Esme asked and Carlise just laughed and replied " Oh Esme that isn't the interesting part, the interesting part is that her mother passed away several months ago & it appears that she left her & her family letters that they found. Apparently my patient's letter told her to get help. I am just mystified that she is listening and that her mother had enough for sight to even write them." …_Cough…cough…cough "_Oh God Edward are you ok? Carlise asked as he made his way around the table to check me out. I looked my uncle in the eyes and asked the one and only question I could " Is her name Bella?"

~~~~~0.o~~~~~~~0.o~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~0.o~~~~~0.o~~~~

AN: Ok so let me know what you think, time is going to start moving and Bella and Edward will meet soon! SO if you have NOT been reviewing here is a bribe! Yes I am not above that, I know that I have readers and would love to hear from you! So if you review this Chapter you will get to read the letters that Renee wrote, just tell me who's letter you want: Bella's, Jacob's or Charlie's. Let me know in your review and I will send it out to you ASAP! iheartrpatzz asked why the "Te Amo" at the end of Bella's letter; if your wondering that too then you should review and ask for Bella's letter :-) I will even sweeten the pot **grins** those that go back and review each chapter ending with this one will get sent out ALL 3 LETTERS & a teaser for the next chapter!

This week's rec:

Well go and check out the AMAZING author** CaraNo** She has some amazing stories that include some hot steamy chapters that require new undies at the end of them & she updates EVERY Tuesday!


	8. Renee's Letter to Bella

My wonderful amazing Pre-reader iheartrpatzz is the one that all of you non-reviewers need to thank for this letter. She thinks that everyone needs the insight this letter brings. Remember there is still Jacob & Charlie's letter left reviewers will get to read one of them maybe both. I am still looking for a beta.

_SM OWNS it all_

_~~~~~~~LTH~~~_

_February 21, 2002_

_My Bella,_

_It was today 18 years ago that I first looked into those beautiful chocolate eyes and fell deeper in love then I ever dreamed possible. I know that this birthday is not the way that we had planned; instead of spending the morning at the dealership and the weekend cruising down the coast of California in our new red convertible car you are here sleeping between my med times. _

_I am so sorry for all of this more then words could ever express; I know what you are going to have to go through over the next few months and the years that follow. You will have to be the rock that holds this family together, you have so much strength you just don't see it yet. _

_I remember trying to teach you to dance old school to " Rock Steady" and laughing so hard because you have your daddy's rhythm…none :-D but oh Bella how you brought tears of joy to my eyes from the day you were born, to today when you become an adult. _

_Daddy and J are going to need you Bella, be strong you know how daddy gets sometimes and he will probably blame himself for this but you have to remind him that it isn't his fault and that I know he tried everything to keep me. Help him to move on and find someone else to love or maybe just what is it you call it? Oh yes Friends with Benefits, I hope you're still a virgin! You need to watch out and be carful and if you haven't already dumped the Newt, he is bad news. _

_I had a dream last night of you in a white gown on your daddy's arm walking toward an intense set of green eyes. You know what my dreams mean so go find a green eyed God to be your man. When you find him he will love you and know you better then anyone ever could. He will be my way of telling you that I am watching out for you, because when I am in heaven and I find him; I promise to drop him into your life some how. _

_Daddy and I had to learn some Spanish to hide things from you and J, but my smart girl you picked up on it too quick and left us with no form of talking about you :-D So now I leave you until your wedding day with this:_

_Te Amo Mi Corazo, te amo. (I love you my heart, I love you)_

_Be strong, _

_Mom_


	9. Chapter 9

SM owns it all

~~~~LTH~~~

"Edward you know that I am not allowed to discus patient information with you or anyone for that matter." Carlise said for the hundredth time as if I wasn't listening the first ninety nine times. " Carlise I just want to know if her name is Bella at this point if I am right I know more about her then you do. In fact if her name is Bella, Carlise it might interested you to know that I have a few of the letters that she wrote to her mom!" I was frustrated at this point, but the look on Carlisle's face told me I had just found my girl…Damn my girl where the hell did that come from.

"Edward, please be reasonable you know I can't tell you. However if you believe that the person I'm seeing wrote those letters I really need to see them. However I can't tell you anything, so please stop asking" Carlise had the look of defeat on his face, he knew I got the answer now it was up to me to help him. I went upstairs to my room, laid on my gold comforter and pulled the stack of letters out from between the headboard and mattress. I can't even think how many times I have read these letters, so much so that I feel like I am betraying Bella by showing Carlise. I walk down the stairs with the letters in one hand; it felt like I was about to part with my heart. I told Carlise about all the letters I found, Esme cried and told me it was fate Carlise admitted that his patient was in fact a young women with a Italian name. He also mentioned that the girl's favorite Disney movie is Beauty & the Beast its because of that movie that she now uses a common nick name derived from her Italian name. I was so confused, but once I thought about everything it made sense Carlise was telling me he was helping my Bella. I was so excited I couldn't wait to meet her! Carlise burst that bubble though "Edward as it is you know too much. I need to let her set the pace. How would you feel if the rolls were reversed? How would you react if you wrote personal letters to Maya & found out someone was reading them? Would you want to meet that person? Would you feel betrayed as if your most private thoughts were on display for the public to see? Not only that Edward but its a question of ethics, I'm not even sure if I should see her. Although she made it perfectly clear that she wouldn't see anyone else. Im sorry Edward, I really need to see how this plays out with Bella first if the time comes up ill see if its something she can handle but right now I need you to just leave it be."

Carlise thought that I could hurt Bella when all I ever wanted to do was know her, I...I love her & yet I have never laid eyes on her. I need to know her; I need her to know me. I just have to figure away around Carlise. Ill meet her & sooner rather then later, now I just need to figure out how.

_knock...knock...knock_ "Edward its Esme may I come in?"

I think I just figured out how to get my girl.

~ ..0..~

AN: Thank you for reading! RL is getting hectic so please stay with me. Please leave a review and you can get one of the letters from last chapter if you haven't already or a sneak peak into next chapter!

Thanks!


	10. Chapter 10

*****This is just a re-post with a few changes nothing affects the storyline, I am offering teasers for reviews******

Thank you to my pre-reader iheartrpatzz she is amazing and keeps me writing and keeps giving me great ideas!

Not sure who but someone is recommending this on Facebook, if that's is you or you know who it is PLEASE send me a PM so that I can thank you good and proper!

Disclosure: I do not own the characters they belong to SM, I do own the plot this goes for all past and future chapters.

~ ~0~ ~

I was so scared to get the help I was going to need; I made the decision to see the new therapist in forks. He wouldn't know anything about my family history or me. It would be a clean slate I could talk to him about everything.

~ ~ ~ LTH ~ ~ ~

I met with Dr. Cullen today or Carlise as he told me to call him. It went ok, he asked me questions I answered him, he told me that writing my letters was a good form of therapy for me something about not being an exploding volcano. He was shocked that I sent them away in a balloon he mentioned that one day someone might find them like that book/movie message in a bottle. I honestly never thought that far ahead & I guess if they had landed somewhere close I would know about it by now. This is after all such a small town they would all know they were my letters, I hope no one mentions anything to Charlie. Even though he is coming around he still believes in privacy and this would be a huge invasion to him. Oh well maybe they are lost in that whole hole in the o-zone, which would be great. Carlise told me not to worry that if anyone found them they would hopefully just keep it private. I sure hope that he was right, Carlise asked to see me three times a week to start & then we would lesson the sessions based on my progress. To be honest, I didn't realize I was that fucked up I guess I'm good at hiding my real self from myself.

~ ~ LTH ~ ~ ~

I saw Carlise again today, but he seemed different, the way he looked at me made me feel like I was on display for the world. We talked about my friends; that was a short subject I have none when mom got sick they all bailed end of "friendship". Carlise asked about family again easy there is none, well none that we get along with. Moms family screwed her over and then came and gave her a deathbed apology, it was more for their peace of mind rather then hers. I know that I am no expert on therapy but the looks that Carlise was giving seemed as though he was disgusted, was he disgusted with me? I thought that the therapist was supposed to stay impartial; it didn't feel like it right at this moment.

" Bella you said that if you took better care of your mom she would still be here, could you explain that comment please" Wow Carlise was just going to jump in now wasn't he?

I thought that the best way to answer him would be the truth but how can I explain it?

Ok Bella open your mouth and just talk, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, I remembered walking along First Beach hand in hand with mom collecting seashells and watching the tide:

" I love my mom, but I can remember something always being wrong with her health. She had gallstones, and I remember something happened and they had to do an emergency blood transfusion and she almost died. Dad said she was just so stressed I figured it was me. Then this time they told us that the stress was giving her multiple ulcers, dad said that Jacob and I were slowly killing her because of our behavior. The doctors went in to remove the ulcers and found that it was actually a larger tumor, my mom was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer." I stopped there to breath and regain my emotions, Carlise didn't speak so I just kept going.

"They said that it looked like her intestines had chicken pox there were patches of cancer everywhere. They gave her two weeks to live. I was only seventeen, old enough to know things were bad but still at the age where I wanted to have fun. I didn't want to go to home school so that I could take care of my mom, I wanted to stay at school. I didn't want to spend my weekends at home either, I wanted to go to the movies or dinners not administer my moms IV medications. I spent my days being a seventeen-year-old nurse and not a teenager. I was naive enough to honestly believe that my mom would get better, She did Chemo and Radiation lost all of her hair and couldn't even keep ice chips down." By this point I was back to being mad, mad at my self and the situation. I still couldn't figure out why Carlise was just sitting there not talking, maybe he knew I needed to do this in one shot and if her drew it out it would be harder.

So I kept going "The doctors had to put an NG tube down her nose to suck all of the bile out of her stomach. For weeks I watched my mom slowly die and I could do nothing, I couldn't take her place, I couldn't take away her pain all I cold do was watch as her memory started to fade away and I became just a blur to her." I didn't realize I was crying until Carlise handed me a box of tissue.

" I think that we covered a lot today Bella and there are many things that you need to understand; starting with your mothers death IS NOT anyone's fault. It was a horrible traumatic event that your went through and for someone your age you are handling it better then people older. We have a lot of things to work through but I need you to believe that there is nothing that you could have done different, you loved her you helped her and now you are getting the help that she knew you would need. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this and see so much and I know that you have more to say and we will get to it, all of it in time but today Bella you did great. Our time is coming to an end, but from now on I would like you to continue writing your mom in a journal and bring it with you next time, writing seems to help you and it is a good exercise. Also when you are comfortable I would really like to know or see exactly what the letter said that your mom wrote to you, if you don't mind of course."

All I could do was say "okay" I had tired myself out today, I had no know idea that I had been feeling this way or holding back so much over the past few months. I thanked Carlise for his time and walked out the door not even paying attention to the rest of the world around me.

~ LTH ~

I couldn't be sure that it was her but she was the most exquisite creature for miles around. Her eyes were red and puffy and all I wanted to do was comfort her, but it wasn't time not yet first I needed to talk to my Uncle. If Bella was going to get help I was too at least until she was ready to "officially" meet and then we could heal each other.

" Edward what are you doing here?" the sound of Carlisle's voice broke my train of thoughts I stood up and followed him to his office and sat down. " Was that Bella?" I asked and Carlise just shot me a pleading look, yeah that was Bella and yes I had every intention of meeting her. For now though I was here for help I just hope that this works. " Carlise I need help moving on, I need to finally talk about Maya I need to learn to let her go."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~LTH ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**AN: Thank you everyone for the AMAZING response to this story! Well I thought that I would update again quick since I will be going back to work on Monday * cries* my maternity leave is up and I am not sure how much time ill have to write. Please know that I will attempt to post weekly date unknown. But I will reply to every review/pm I get. Reviews get teasers! Thank YOU for reading! **


	11. Chapter 11

I am still looking for a beta so please let me know

~ ~ ~ LTH~~~

**EPOV**

Carlise just sat there looking at me like a fish out of water I wasn't sure what he was going to say. Him and Esme both have been trying for months to get me to open up about Maya and nothing, so I knew I had him he was going to help me even if it meant that I was helping myself in the long run.

" Edward, I have an slight idea what brought this on, but please tell me why now?" Carlise gave me a look that was all business, but his eyes showed a mixture of happiness, worry and maybe a hint of smugness. " Carlise, its no surprise that I am here is it? Really now you have been telling me for months that I need to open up and let someone in, have you not?" I shot him the lop sided grin that mirrored his own, well every male's in my family that is. If he thought for one second that I was going to make this easy he had another thing coming. We sat there for seconds minutes hours just staring at each other wondering who would break first.

" Edward do you blame yourself for Maya's death?" Carlise didn't have his normal confidence about him, in fact the question came out softer almost a whisper. I looked at him shocked as fuck that he would really go there. I got up and walked out apparently this is going to be a lot harder then I thought.

" Edward get back here! Edward you'll never be able to help her if you cant help your self!" Carlise was shouting at me as I slammed out of his office.

_FUCK! _

I knew that I messed up by walking out, but I felt blindsided by that question, especially since Carlise knows its my fault! I wasn't a match there was nothing that I could do to save her. I let my sister die.

~~~LTH~~~

**BPOV**

_The flowers are so beautiful! The colors are so vibrant all of the oranges and reds it is simply amazing. I look to my left and see a figure standing there, Im not scared. In fact I feel safer then I have in months and the love that is radiating from the person makes me feel like I know them. I walk closer to the figure and as I get closer I realize that the figure is a boy, well a young man I cant define all of his features but the one thing that I see right away are his eyes, his green eyes._

I wake up in a cold sweat not understanding what I had just dreamt; mom always said that you can be with the ones you love in your dreams. But I have no idea who this person was, I kept telling myself that it was just a dream, just a dream but heaven knows that it felt so real the one thing that stood out to me was his eyes, the most beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. The way that they looked into mine it felt like my heart was healed, but how could that be? I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

**EPOV**

For some reason I wake from the best most intense dream I have ever had, where I got lost in a sea of milky brown goodness. I swear I saw Bella in this meadow with flowers everywhere she was looking at me in confusion until she got close enough to really see me. The look of pure shock ran through her eyes till they met mine and then I felt the most intense feeling I have ever felt…_Love._

I didn't know what made me wake up from this dream but I closed my eyes hoping that I would end up back in the meadow with my Bella.

~~~LTH~~~~

Thank you to all of you who read this, you have no idea what it means to me.

This weeks rec helped me make it through my first week back to work, it is an amazing story so go check out: **GrayMatters** and ready her story **Never Enough. **

See you soon!


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you to KimiD who probably understands this story better then anyone & whose words of encouragement actually make me believe that I know what I am doing.**

**Iheartrpattz thank you for the rec…your writing is amazing and how you are composing two stories at once I have no idea, I can barley function with one. Go check out her stories if you haven't already…(Thanks for the zest the other day)**

**I own nothing**

~~~LTH~~~

As I opened my eyes I tried to recall what was new about this dream, I had been having it over and over for weeks now and the only thing that stood out was the pools of green that made my heart clinch at the very thought of them. I remember hearing my name in the wind and that would always make me cry thinking of how my mom use to always tell me that I was the _wind beneath her wings_. In the beginning I thought that it was my mom coming to me in my dreams as she had promised me all the time. However as the nights went on and turned into weeks she has never made an appearance. I have been trying to figure out whom the figure is that I keep seeing I know that it is a male and that his features show that he is in good shape. Anything more I can never tell, other then the eyes, I keep an open mind and wonder if this is the person that mom said she would send me. He has green eyes and it couldn't be a coincidence that I see him almost every night in my dreams, the one place that was always mine and moms could it?

I decided to get out of bed and write in my journal, Carlise says that I have come a long way in a short time and he thinks that writing has a lot to do with it, so I write about everything and anything but always to my mom. I want her to know what is going on and even though she'll never read it, I feel as though she knows.

_Dear Mom, _

_The nights have turned into weeks and I am still dreaming of the green-eyed man; I guess if I ever found him the saying "The man of my dreams" would be so true. I still see Carlise three times a week and he keeps telling me that I am getting better, soon we will go down to two times a week. Jacob & Dad, well are Jacob and Dad what else can I say? Jacob is getting ready to promote to high school he seems out of it like a walking zombie, I wish there was something I could do to help him. I tried talking to him but he just keeps pushing me further away and telling me that I'm lucky and wouldn't understand what he is going through. I have no idea what that is about, maybe one day he will open up and tell me about it. _

_Dad is starting to come around a little more then he had; you would be so proud mom he actually learned how to work the microwave! He is becoming a very independent man, although he still relies on me to pay the bills and go buy groceries, but hey small steps are better then no steps. _

_We all still miss you everyday and the holidays are right around the corner, I have no idea how those will play out. I am already trying to find away to keep things some sort of normal; I have been researching how to make a turkey and everything. To be honest with you I think I am just going to order a premade meal…just like you use to do. Ha! You didn't think we knew about that did you, well we had our suspicions which we confirmed after Mrs. King asked if we would be ordering a turkey dinner this year. Oh mom even after all this time we are still learning the great lengths you went to, to make us happy and give us traditions I can only hope to keep up. _

_Well its getting late I have to get up and get ready for my meeting with Carlise. Love you!_

~~~LTH~~~

I felt a little better after writing to my mom, it always makes me feel better, I even began to notice that my letters to her were starting to sound happier and not so painful anymore. I still miss her and feel like my heart is standing still waiting for a reason to beat again. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and can only hope that it gets brighter as time goes by.

I am in such a rush to get to Carlisle's that I am not paying attention to anything but whats going on in my head. I walk right into the office and into something that feels like an electric wall where there definitely should not be. As I begin to fall backwards two electric currents surround me and steady me I look up to see what in the world is going on and I am met with a sight that makes my broken heart beat again…

~~~LTH~~~

Thank to everyone that reads this story, I am so happy to have you guys along for the ride. If you have the time please leave a review…M


	13. Chapter 13

It was as if time had stopped, I couldn't hear the minutes tick by or even a pen drop what I could hear was the beating of my once dead heart. I felt an intense heat raking over my body in the sensual way I have ever experienced. I wasn't aware of my surroundings anymore; it was like I was in my own little world with only the green-eyed man holding me in his electric embrace. The only thing I remember before I blacked out was seeing those eyes before, in fact I had been seeing them every night for weeks in my dreams; then I saw black.

~~~~~LTH~~~~

EPOV

I wasn't sure how long my arms were wrapped around this beautiful creature in front of me; and I wasn't in any hurry to let her go. This embrace was electrifying in ways that I never dreamed a touch could be, magical if you will. Yes I know I am a guy and how stupid does that sound? But magical is exactly what this was all-powerful magic and I was a goner I suddenly believed in the fairytale stories I use to read to Maya. I wondered if my kiss would wake her from the trans that she was in, but when I looked around I saw Carlise shaking his head at me and quietly telling me to not startle her, let her come around to just hold her. Who was I to say no to holding her? Its what I had thinking about since I first started to find her letters, as I held her in my arms I moved my eyes up and down her body trying to get a good look at her.

I was breathing her in like my life depended on it and in that very moment just may. She was everything and nothing like I had been picturing before I could give it more thought she went limp in my arms and Carlise was there giving trying to bring her back from the dark.

RL is a B…this may turn into a dribble story just an FYI…hope to update again very soon…

Reviewers get a tease.


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you iheartrpattz for the pre-read!

SM owns

***LTH***

_Its not like love at first sight, really. Its more like gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly its not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for become whatever she needs you to be, whether thats a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.~ Jacob Black New Moon_

~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~

Breath...deep breaths...in and out...I needed to get myself under control. Carlise was busy trying to bring Bella around I need him to focus on her well being not mine. Feeling her go limp in my arms brought back memories of cooper hair and blue eyes asking me to let her go. No I needed to focus on Bella, she is the here and now.

Before I could understand what was happing I felt a force pull me to Bella, I was at her side pleading with her telling her she would be ok. I think I even confessed my love to her, some would call love at first sight fictional, but with Bella it was love at first words.

~~~~~~~~LTH~~~~~~~~

Im not sure what happend all I know was that my body was on fire, I was vagley aware of what was going on around me. In the distance I could hear a voice, it was saying "come back to me love, it's ok you are ok" poor guy sounded heart broken I hope he and who ever his "love" is are all right. If someone asked me to explain how I was feeling right now I would have to say that I am having an outter body experince. If it wasnt so crazy I would have sworn that I had seen that man before, the crazyest part is that I know I never have seen him before but try telling that to my heart; because right now it feels like he owns me.


	15. Chapter 15

All mistakes are mine as I have no beta.

SM owns everything.

~~~~~LTH~~~~~

Time passes by in lightning speed; everyday I am feeling stronger and am finally starting to focus on me again. I know that I have other responsibilities but Carlise keeps telling me that I need to fix me first. I am still not too sure what happened to me the day that I fainted but since then I feel stronger. I am still confused about some of those events that took place that day. When I came to the burning that I felt had subsided and the only people that were in the room with me were Carlise and his secretary Mrs. Lopez. I kept asking Carlise where the green eye man went he kept deflecting my question and after a while I just gave up and answered his questions, Yes I am fine, Three fingers, no my head doesn't hurt. I just needed to get out of this office so that I could get my thoughts together.

I agree to call Carlise when I get home just to let him know that I have made it. He has given me fifteen minutes and he said that is about eight minutes to long, but still I have fifteen minutes. On my drive home I keep seeing those eyes and feeling the intensity of the burning that I felt when his arms were around me. It was in that moment that I decided that I needed to know who that man was, because right now the only answer I had was that he was the man in my dreams literally.

I started going to Carlise's office everyday at different times through out the day just hoping to catch a glimpse of my dream in the flesh. I had to know what this feeling was and why it seemed as if my future depended on meeting this man. It was two weeks into my stalking, well that is a harsh word so lets say it was two weeks into my research; and I saw him. My eyes clouded with tears that I didn't know why they were forming, before my mind could process what was going on my feet were already on the move.

~~~~LTH~~~~

I was going crazy, it seemed like forever since I held Bella in my arms and heaven knows that I wanted to feel that again. After she fainted and my confession of love Carlise made me leave telling me that it was for the best. I was willing her to come back to me and at that point I had no idea what was going on with her. I just wanted her to open those big brown eyes and look at me. I left once Carlise assured me that Bella would be fine and that she just needed some time, I was reluctant to say the least but he promised me a full report when he came home. I left my heart, my life in Carlise's care that day and went home to await the news that I was promised.

When Carlise came home that night he filled me in on everything and assured me that Bella made it home ok and that she would be taking a few days off from seeing him to just relax. He suggested that I continue my sessions at home for a while just in case Bella came into the office. Apparently she was asking about me, but some how Carlise managed to avoid the subject, apart of me wishes that we could just stop with all of the secrets and just move forward. I wish that I could go to Bella and tell her everything and let the chips fall where they may. I know that is not the smartest thing to want but I want to move on with my life and that now includes Bella.

I was on my way into my first meeting with Carlise when I felt this wave of electricity running through my body. I looked around and saw nothing that looked out of the ordinary so I kept walking. All of a sudden I heard the sweetest thing and when I turned around I saw an angel running my way.

~~~~LTH~~~~

…_.Excuse Me….Sir…could you please sto…._

I see my shoelace and start to fall before I can even finish processing what is about to happen, I prepared for impact but it never came.

~~~~LTH~~~~

Thank you for reading. Sorry in the delay in updates hope to fix that if RL slows down.

Reviews are great and if you are so inclined please leave one…even if it is to tell me to hurry up.


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